The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-- Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Bush you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
-- Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
-- Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge,Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-- Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
-- Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
-- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-- The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

To do is to be. -- Descartes
To be is to do. -- Voltaire
Do be do be do. -- Frank Sinatra
-- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-- Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. Better still, do both, get married!
-- Men's restroom, Barnes & Noble, Irvine California

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-- Men's restroom, Arby's, Miami, Florida

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
-- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if He had invested?
-- Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.

Express Lane: Five beers or less
-- Sign over urinal, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ.

You're too good for him.
-- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
-- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.