This pre-intro, Iím creating on April Fools Day 2007, is being created for the purpose of explaining the events that have taken place after the completion of this book. Wouldnít it make more sense for that to be an epologue? No, this is information you will need for your journey through my demented mind. Things will make more sense throughout your journey if you carry the weaponry of these facts with you for the duration.
This book was finished by Christmas 2005. It has been sitting on my computer, and a few printed versions, since then. Iíve edited it twice, and Iím about to embark on one final trip down editing lane, but that doesnít mean there arenít any mistakes. Iím human. I hate to admit it, but itís true. I should have someone else edit it, but I donít trust anyone else. Sometimes things may seem like mistakes, but arenít, and I donít trust someone else to make that call.
I really wanted to put it out by summer 2005, but, quite obviously, shit didnít turn out that way. Some of the content will not be fresh, which fuckiní sucks, but Iíve worked too fuckiní hard on this to just cut shit out. If you will humor me by taking shit in context, I would appreciate it. I also feel that the concepts and rhymes presented, will be stong enough to endure through the passing years. If it truly is the quality Iíve hoped to attain, it will be timeless.
The problems Iíve had are mostly due to financing. Iíve researched publishers and no one wants an unproven author. Most of them wonít even accept unsolicited manuscripts, which is that same vicious cycle of ďI need experience to get a job, but how do I get a experience if I canít get a job.Ē My only other option is to publish it my-damn-self. I donít have any fuckiní money. I havenít had an actual job since 2003. How do I survive? I suck dick for crack. Thatís called a joke. I donít smoke dick or crack. Thank you for your concern. I tried to get a government grant. The grant people need $4,000 to help me out with that. I donít have any money. I havenít had an actual job since 2003, at which time I had the money, but spent it on prostitutes. Thatís another joke. I would never be able to save $4,000 the way I spend money on prostitutes. I, literally, donít remember the last time I had sex. Someone fuck me, please. What the hell was I typing before you distracted me with all this sex talk?
At the height of my financial woes, when I was just about out of money and needed a place to live, my grandmother got very sick. I wonít bore you with the details, but my grandfather asked me to move in with them to help him out. It was a sweet and sour situation, like teriyaki (if teriyaki were sweet and sour and not just sweet), not yours Sam, keep it away. I had somewhere to live for free, but my grandmother was sick. She took all of our time for a few months. That was just a few weeks short of one year ago.
For a month or two or three my computer and I were in different towns, which, obviously, meant I couldnít get much work done. Not that I would have had the time if it were here, but it didnít help that it wasnít.
When my computer and I were finally reuinited, I was disillusioned with the idea of getting my book out. I was still determined to do it, Iíve worked too fuckiní hard on (haha I said hard on) it to not, but I had no idea how. I immersed myself, at least my free time, in my website, thugradio.net, and hoped to make some money off that. I was really emotionally drained and completely uninspired, which helped lead me to the mindless repetition of web work.
Finally inspiration struck. It was something Iíd considered from the beginning, but never as a beginning. I can put out an eBook for fuckiní free. I can put this muthafuckah out and if I can raise enough money, I can release an actual real-life paper book. Die, trees, die. Maybe we can use recycled paper. I hope so.
Then I realized, ďOh shit, I need a cover.Ē I have zero artistic ability, outside of writing, and no money to pay a muthafuckah to make me a cover. I had a good idea of what I wanted, but no ability to make it so, Number One. Fortunately my very-good best friend, Sarah Anderson (refered to by many other aliases in the Outro), is an excellent painter, so I asked her to make it so, Number One. She specializes in flowers and landscapes, but she agreed to take on the challenge, and she did a wonderful job. OK, I havenít actually seen the final version, but if sheís happy with it, Iím using it. Iíve already been waiting for months. I had to wait until after Christmas, the one year mark, and a few false starts, but now itís finshed, which means this book should be released by the end of the fuckiní month.
I owe Sarah a lot. If it werenít for her I never would have written a book. I never would have done any of the shit Iím about to list below. You donít know what it is, but I do. Ha Ha Ha Ha or LOL for you cool-cat computer nerd muthafuckaz. She is one of the very few people who has always believed in me and pushed me to get shit done. Sheís also done a lot for me, like the fuckiní cover and calling muthafuckaz to find out what the fuck my next step is for whatever Iím doing. I hate the fuckiní phone. Unless thereís a beautiful woman on the other end talking dirty to me, Iím not interested. She just supports me and takes care of all the real world shit and lets me exist in my demented little world where I am king and no one can challenge my throne of justice...I mean where I can just do my thing.
During all this time Iíve been very hard at work on other things. Iím a work-aholic. I know, how many work-aholiks havenít had a job in over three years? But I donít believe in busting my ass to make someone else money and have them break me off a little piece of change. Fuck that. Iím not willing to work to live so I can live to work. Iím pretty deep into the follow-up to this muthafuckah, tentatively titled, Diary Of A Mad Man. Iíve been working hard on thugradio.net, eventhough it was down for two months at the end of last year, which is attributed to fuckiní webhosting problems. Iíve made a comedy mixtape, entitled Let's Fuckin' Do This Or Jesus Is My Bitch, which features songs from this book; ďOde To Country MusicĒ, ďDollĒ, ďBest FriendĒ, ďOnce Upon A Summer's EveĒ & ďGoodness GraciousĒ. Other songs from this book and the next have already been recorded for follow-ups to Let's Fuckin' Do This Or Jesus Is My Bitch. Let's Fuckin' Do This Or Jesus Is My Bitch is available through thugradio.net and MySpace.com/TheMuthafuckinD now. Iíve also been working with some other muthafuckaz on some comedy shit, my muthafuckaz Phil M. Cockenbolz, Raul & Old Joe.
This concludes the pre-intro. Now onward to the actual intro, but first, April Fools. No, it really is a true story. April Fools. No, Iím fuckiní with you, itís all true. April Fools. Fuckiní stop it. Great now Iím having a text argument with myself on Microsoft Word. Someone please help me.
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