This pre-intro, I’m creating on April Fools Day 2007, is being created for the purpose of explaining the events that have taken place after the completion of this book. Wouldn’t it make more sense for that to be an epologue? No, this is information you will need for your journey through my demented mind. Things will make more sense throughout your journey if you carry the weaponry of these facts with you for the duration.

This book was finished by Christmas 2005. It has been sitting on my computer, and a few printed versions, since then. I’ve edited it twice, and I’m about to embark on one final trip down editing lane, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any mistakes. I’m human. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. I should have someone else edit it, but I don’t trust anyone else. Sometimes things may seem like mistakes, but aren’t, and I don’t trust someone else to make that call.

I really wanted to put it out by summer 2005, but, quite obviously, shit didn’t turn out that way. Some of the content will not be fresh, which fuckin’ sucks, but I’ve worked too fuckin’ hard on this to just cut shit out. If you will humor me by taking shit in context, I would appreciate it. I also feel that the concepts and rhymes presented, will be stong enough to endure through the passing years. If it truly is the quality I’ve hoped to attain, it will be timeless.

The problems I’ve had are mostly due to financing. I’ve researched publishers and no one wants an unproven author. Most of them won’t even accept unsolicited manuscripts, which is that same vicious cycle of “I need experience to get a job, but how do I get a experience if I can’t get a job.” My only other option is to publish it my-damn-self. I don’t have any fuckin’ money. I haven’t had an actual job since 2003. How do I survive? I suck dick for crack. That’s called a joke. I don’t smoke dick or crack. Thank you for your concern. I tried to get a government grant. The grant people need $4,000 to help me out with that. I don’t have any money. I haven’t had an actual job since 2003, at which time I had the money, but spent it on prostitutes. That’s another joke. I would never be able to save $4,000 the way I spend money on prostitutes. I, literally, don’t remember the last time I had sex. Someone fuck me, please. What the hell was I typing before you distracted me with all this sex talk?

At the height of my financial woes, when I was just about out of money and needed a place to live, my grandmother got very sick. I won’t bore you with the details, but my grandfather asked me to move in with them to help him out. It was a sweet and sour situation, like teriyaki (if teriyaki were sweet and sour and not just sweet), not yours Sam, keep it away. I had somewhere to live for free, but my grandmother was sick. She took all of our time for a few months. That was just a few weeks short of one year ago.

For a month or two or three my computer and I were in different towns, which, obviously, meant I couldn’t get much work done. Not that I would have had the time if it were here, but it didn’t help that it wasn’t.

When my computer and I were finally reuinited, I was disillusioned with the idea of getting my book out. I was still determined to do it, I’ve worked too fuckin’ hard on (haha I said hard on) it to not, but I had no idea how. I immersed myself, at least my free time, in my website, thugradio.net, and hoped to make some money off that. I was really emotionally drained and completely uninspired, which helped lead me to the mindless repetition of web work.

Finally inspiration struck. It was something I’d considered from the beginning, but never as a beginning. I can put out an eBook for fuckin’ free. I can put this muthafuckah out and if I can raise enough money, I can release an actual real-life paper book. Die, trees, die. Maybe we can use recycled paper. I hope so.

Then I realized, “Oh shit, I need a cover.” I have zero artistic ability, outside of writing, and no money to pay a muthafuckah to make me a cover. I had a good idea of what I wanted, but no ability to make it so, Number One. Fortunately my very-good best friend, Sarah Anderson (refered to by many other aliases in the Outro), is an excellent painter, so I asked her to make it so, Number One. She specializes in flowers and landscapes, but she agreed to take on the challenge, and she did a wonderful job. OK, I haven’t actually seen the final version, but if she’s happy with it, I’m using it. I’ve already been waiting for months. I had to wait until after Christmas, the one year mark, and a few false starts, but now it’s finshed, which means this book should be released by the end of the fuckin’ month.

I owe Sarah a lot. If it weren’t for her I never would have written a book. I never would have done any of the shit I’m about to list below. You don’t know what it is, but I do. Ha Ha Ha Ha or LOL for you cool-cat computer nerd muthafuckaz. She is one of the very few people who has always believed in me and pushed me to get shit done. She’s also done a lot for me, like the fuckin’ cover and calling muthafuckaz to find out what the fuck my next step is for whatever I’m doing. I hate the fuckin’ phone. Unless there’s a beautiful woman on the other end talking dirty to me, I’m not interested. She just supports me and takes care of all the real world shit and lets me exist in my demented little world where I am king and no one can challenge my throne of justice...I mean where I can just do my thing.

During all this time I’ve been very hard at work on other things. I’m a work-aholic. I know, how many work-aholiks haven’t had a job in over three years? But I don’t believe in busting my ass to make someone else money and have them break me off a little piece of change. Fuck that. I’m not willing to work to live so I can live to work. I’m pretty deep into the follow-up to this muthafuckah, tentatively titled, Diary Of A Mad Man. I’ve been working hard on thugradio.net, eventhough it was down for two months at the end of last year, which is attributed to fuckin’ webhosting problems. I’ve made a comedy mixtape, entitled Let's Fuckin' Do This Or Jesus Is My Bitch, which features songs from this book; “Ode To Country Music”, “Doll”, “Best Friend”, “Once Upon A Summer's Eve” & “Goodness Gracious”. Other songs from this book and the next have already been recorded for follow-ups to Let's Fuckin' Do This Or Jesus Is My Bitch. Let's Fuckin' Do This Or Jesus Is My Bitch is available through thugradio.net and MySpace.com/TheMuthafuckinD now. I’ve also been working with some other muthafuckaz on some comedy shit, my muthafuckaz Phil M. Cockenbolz, Raul & Old Joe.

This concludes the pre-intro. Now onward to the actual intro, but first, April Fools. No, it really is a true story. April Fools. No, I’m fuckin’ with you, it’s all true. April Fools. Fuckin’ stop it. Great now I’m having a text argument with myself on Microsoft Word. Someone please help me.